So I've finally taken the time to look at the presidential candidates and their issues. The primaries are less than a month away, so here is a little baconyum perspective on each in case you want to vote but don't have the time to research every dumbass who wants to clean up someone else's mess.
Hillary Clinton, D
~Wants to get rid of No Child Left Behind. Good, good.
~Clean up the immigration by enforcing laws, strengthening borders, and stopping the cheap employment of undocumented workers. Hm...
~Totally against the war, has voted No on bills supporting it. At least you practice what you preach...kind of.
~Has the support of Danny DeVito, Hugh Hefner, Calvin Klein, Bette Midler, Jerry Springer, Martha Stewart, and a couple of Trumps. Ok.
John Edwards, D
~Gets my vote for Best Looking Candidate.
~Has a focus on rural America, which is often neglected by everyone else.
~His stance on taxes: make them easier to file. Thank you!
~Has the support of Sean Penn, Susan Sarandon, Russell Simmons, and Barbra Streisand. Nice.
Rudy Giuliani, R
~Has been on Saturday Night Live. Hello? Many cool points.
~Thinks in order to deal with terrorist bullies, we need to remain bullies ourselves. Riiiight...
~Free market health care fucked me over, and he supports it.
~Has outlined "12 Commitments", which sound rather...tyrannical.
~Has the support of Melissa Gilbert, Jeff Gordon, Kelsey Grammar, and Donald Trump. Ok, Donald. Playing for both sides, eh?
Mike Gravel, D
~Was dissed by and therefore dissed his own party. Sweet!
~Wants to end our war with Iraq so we can help end their own civil war. Interesting point, Mike. Interesting point.
~Basically a liberal through and through on his issues, but would he be able to deliver? The world will never know.
~Poor guy has no noteworthy donors. Dude, you have no chance in hell.
Mike Huckabee, R
~A republican through and through. I should just stop there, but I won't.
~Wants to get rid of employer-based health care. Um, why are you such a crazy asshole? Do you think Starbucks employees like working at Starbucks because they like being coffee addicts' bitches?
~Vertical politics? You really had to invent something so gimmicky and dumb?
~No one supports your dumb ass.
Duncan Hunter, R
~Hello, guy I never heard of until just this moment when I googled the presidential candidates.
~Completely and utterly opposes abortion. "Personhood" does not begin at conception like you believe, dillweed. The fetus is microscopic. It doesn't even have lungs, and when it does, it can't breathe on it's own until birth. Hm...sounds like a parasite to me. Someone needs to rape your ass and get you knocked up. Then maybe you won't be so quick to judge women.
~"I support people with...a belief in God." So then if you were president, would you ship out all atheists and pagans? Hm...why did people leave Europe to colonize America...why...oh, was it freedom of religion? Oh, yeah. Dumbass.
~Falwell died, so you have no supporters.
Alan Keyes, R
~Blah blah blah, life begins at conception, I just want to ban abortion, blah blah blah. Why doesn't one pro-life candidate ever try to come up with a platform for better prenatal and maternity care? Or educate our youth about safe sex? Or better the adoption and foster care system? Maybe because ya'll are just a bunch of pricks who are so arrogant to think you're the voice of God, so all you do is preach what you think is right but don't even bother to lend a helping hand. You know, Jesus wouldn't cast aside a scared, pregnant woman. You are so far removed from the man you're supposed to be like. Oh, and you will never have to give birth to an already dead baby that didn't properly develop a brain. But then again, it probably wouldn't affect you because you don't have the capability to feel.
~That was long, so I'm done with this one.
Dennis Kucinich, D
~Forget Dennis! Elizabeth Kucinich for president! Too bad she's British. (P.S. She's gorgeous. Nice one, Dennis.)
~He has a page about hemp. 'Nuf said.
~He has a page about Animal Rights. Can we say, "This guy is fucking awesome?" He's a vegan!
~His voting record shows sometimes he votes the same as republicans and not democrats. This either says he is inconsistent or has a mind of his own. I'm going with the latter because it doesn't say why he voted the way he did.
John McCain, R
~The republican the nonrepublicans respect. He's not a religious fanatic (thank God), but he is still a republican.
~OMG! He actually talks about the adoption system and health care and other stuff for pregnant women. He may be pro-life, but at least he understands if you're going to tell someone to have a baby, the right thing to do is support them through it.
~One thing about the republican platform that many republicans fail to support is bringing the choice back to the states. They are supposed to be against big government. McCain is consistent, and though he opposes gay marriage and is pro-life, he believes in bringing those laws back to the state level. Good man.
~Jerry Bruckheimer supports him.
Barack Obama, D
~First off, what a cool name. President Barack Obama. Come on. That just sounds bitchin',
~That's good that you support GLBT, but you, like many other "pro-gay" people, don't support gay marriage. Civil unions are not enough. Kucinich has you beat! (Oh, and why is AIDS on his LGBT page? Um...that's ignorant, dude. AIDS is as much a problem for straight people as it is for gay people, so don't be hatin'.)
~Ok, I can't focus because of the gay thing. It wasn't even under the "issues" tab. I had to go searching for it.
~He has the support of Jennifer Aniston, Tyra Banks, Halle Berry, Zach Braff, George Clooney, Jamie Foxx, Morgan Freeman, Cuba Gooding, Tom Hanks, Hugh Hefner, Bette Midler, Edward Norton, Ellen Pompeo, Susan Sarandon, Will Smith, Steven Spielberg, Barbra Streisand, and Oprah Winfrey. Dude has Oprah. He will be the victor.
I did this in alphabetical order, and there are three candidates left. All are republican. I've been at this for a couple hours, and so whatever. Here they are: Ron Paul, Mitt Romney, and Fred Thompson, who has the support of Pat Sajak.
After going through this, I am definitely voting in the republican primary because I know that the democratic race is between Clinton and Obama, so my guy has no chance of winning that one. Boo.
According to this quiz I agree with Mike Gravel on the issues the most. It would have been a perfect score actually, but he had unknown opinions on wiretapping. Dennis Kucinich was a close second on the list, but apparently we disagree on No Child Left Behind, but his stance on education I agree with and makes no mention of No Child Left Behind, so whatever. Why is it the guys I agree with most never have a chance of winning? Why vote then? My guys will never win! Boo!
I'm still voting.
Why is it important for young people to get involved and vote? So awesome possums like Kucinich actually have a shot at winning!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
I heart you
Thanks for that post, telling me where they all stand, b.c I really didn't know and you shouldnt vote unless you really know!
I went and took the quiz and Gravel was my most compatable candidate also. I've never heard of him before! It makes it a little tricky voting for him (I'd have to read WAY more to make a decision) but he ran too late and it's on the ballot in my state.
One reason you haven't heard of Gravel is because his own party wouldn't let him debate. The presidential race isn't about who's the best candidate, it's about who can raise the most money. It's like selling cookies in Girl Scouts!
Post a Comment